{"id":365,"date":"2014-07-04T03:57:48","date_gmt":"2014-07-04T09:57:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jcmckenna.com\/?p=365"},"modified":"2021-02-20T17:46:49","modified_gmt":"2021-02-21T00:46:49","slug":"tanya-and-jerry-shouldnt-procreate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jcmckenna.com\/?p=365","title":{"rendered":"Tanya and Jerry Get Away"},"content":{"rendered":"

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of Chuck Wendig’s flash fiction challenges<\/a>. This week’s was to write a story (no more than 1000 words) about “bad parents.” Here’s my go:<\/p>\n

Tanya and Jerry Get Away<\/em> (747 words)<\/p>\n

\u201cLook, all I\u2019m asking is that you not swear in front of her so goddamned much!\u201d<\/p>\n

Tanya had to shout so Jerry could hear her over the roar of the car\u2019s engine, but Jerry was pretty sure she\u2019d be shouting no matter how fast she was driving. He thought about pointing out her own language slip, just then, but quickly thought better of it. Instead, he craned his neck to look in the back seat. Little Madison was conked out, safely strapped into her car seat and clutching on to Mr. Bunny Rabbit.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt doesn\u2019t have that much of an effect on her,\u201d he said. \u201cShe\u2019s two. She\u2019s a \u2013 whaddyacallit \u2013 a tabula rasa<\/em>. Her brain\u2019s still forming. It\u2019s like a new day for her every five seconds.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPretty sure that\u2019s goldfish, Jerry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, so maybe not that often. The point stands.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe point,\u201d said Tanya, \u201cis that if she starts pre-school with a potty mouth, it\u2019s gonna make us look like pretty terrible parents.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure she won\u2019t be the first toddler to drop an F-bomb during show and tell.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, you admit she\u2019s listening?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI admit nothing,\u201d said Jerry. It was a never-ending argument. Somehow the arrival of a miniature person in their lives meant a complete personality overhaul on his part. No more fart jokes. No more swearing. No more hosting poker night with the boys. No more screaming monkey sex in the middle of the afternoon.<\/p>\n

Jerry, on the other hand, thought they owed their child the benefit of seeing the real people behind the parental units. Children, he knew, were remarkable little bullshit detectors, and he would be damned if his kid was going to grow up thinking her parents were a couple of phonies.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnyway,\u201d he said, \u201cyou coddle her too much.\u201d<\/p>\n

Tanya\u2019s eyes narrowed and she floored the accelerator.  A wailing sound had begun behind them, and it was picking up in volume.<\/p>\n

\u201cCoddle?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou never say \u2018no\u2019 to her. Ever.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course not,\u201d she said. \u201cIt\u2019s, like, the worst thing you can say to a child.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought the worst thing to say to a child was, \u2018Santa\u2019s dead.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m serious, Jerry. I read all about it somewhere. \u2018No\u2019 is a violent word in a child\u2019s world. It\u2019s abuse. It stifles their curiosity and creativity. She needs to be encouraged to explore.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe needs<\/em> to be given some boundaries. That\u2019s how kids know we love them and care about them. She wants<\/em> us to say no.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBoundaries?! You would put her in a cage if you could!\u201d<\/p>\n

Goddamn crunchy-granola shit<\/em>. Jerry\u2019s teeth hurt from the grinding.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t twist my words!\u201d he yelled. The engine and the wailing had become formidable competition. \u201cLook, all I\u2019m saying is that if Maddie doesn\u2019t get used to hearing \u2018no\u2019 from you now, she won\u2019t be able to hear it when she really needs to.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019ll never need to hear that!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, really? So when she\u2019s in high school, and she comes home with some greaser douchebag who\u2019s too old for her?\u201d<\/p>\n

Tanya only glared at him.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd when she says, \u2018Can I borrow the camera, we\u2019re gonna shoot some internet porn in your bedroom?\u2019 You\u2019re going to scream, \u2018No!\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJerry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd she\u2019s gonna look at you like you\u2019re speaking Farsi, \u2018cause it\u2019s a word she\u2019s never heard come out of your mouth before!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJerry!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd then she\u2019ll be all like, \u2018Whatever, Mom. C\u2019mon, greaser douche, let\u2019s go raid the liquor cabinet.\u2019 And all you\u2019ll be able to do then is cry . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJERRY!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWHAT?!\u201d<\/p>\n

Tanya was staring rather pointedly in the rear-view mirror. The wailing was threatening to pierce their eardrums. Jerry looked behind him. Madison was still sound asleep and drooling on Mr. Bunny Rabbit. Out the back window, he counted three sheriff\u2019s cruisers. On the floor of the car in front of Maddie\u2019s seat were the bags holding her freshly procured college fund.<\/p>\n

\u201cHold \u2018er steady,\u201d said Jerry. \u201cI\u2019ll waive \u2018em off.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jerry grabbed the shotgun at his feet, leaned out the window, and took aim at their pursuers. He pulled the trigger and the barrel roared. The right front tire of the lead car blew out and the car went skidding off onto the shoulder, taking out another car behind it and slowing the third one down.<\/p>\n

\u201cHah!\u201d yelled Jerry, triumphant. \u201cTake that you donut-eating motherfuckers!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLanguage, Jerry!\u201d<\/p>\n

Jerry slumped back down into the passenger seat and rolled his eyes.<\/p>\n

It was going to be a long getaway drive.<\/p>\n

[Originally titled this one Tanya and Jerry Shouldn’t Procreate<\/em>, but that felt wrong.]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of Chuck Wendig’s flash fiction challenges. This week’s was to write a story (no more than 1000 words) about “bad parents.” Here’s my go: Tanya and Jerry Get Away (747 words) \u201cLook, all I\u2019m asking is that you not swear in front of her so goddamned much!\u201d Tanya had…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":876,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_ef_editorial_meta_date_first-draft-date":"","_ef_editorial_meta_paragraph_assignment":"","_ef_editorial_meta_checkbox_needs-photo":"","_ef_editorial_meta_number_word-count":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-365","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-short-fiction"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.jcmckenna.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/07\/road-5089188_640.jpg?fit=640%2C429&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p2rDfa-5T","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":411,"url":"https:\/\/www.jcmckenna.com\/?p=411","url_meta":{"origin":365,"position":0},"title":"Hundred Word Story: Night Knight","author":"admin","date":"March 24, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"This weeks flash fiction challenge from Chuck Wendig: a story in only one hundred words. 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