Last week’s story ran a little long. This week, we’re going quick and dirty
We Can Eat Any Billy Goat for $29.99*
(*terms and conditions may apply)
TO: All Cabraphage Corp., LLC Bridge Staff – All Regions
FROM: Chorck Gravelpounder, VP for Overpass Traversal
RE: New Updates to Goat Consumption Policies and Procedures
In response to last week’s severe product loss, and the resulting untimely death of Senior Bridge Troll Horkin Onyxchunk, the board of directors has released the following policy revisions to go into effect immediately:
- Goats shall no longer be devoured according to weight and/or volume. Starting with the 2nd shift today, Cabraphage will be operating on a strict quota system.
- Senior and Regional Managers are now instructed to shred remaining ARZ-248 (Weight Consumed) forms. New forms labeled ARZ-248-1-b (Goats Consumed) will be transmitted to home offices by the close of business today.
- New pay incentives for consumption quotas are now authorized. Regional Managers may set appropriate levels.
- Verbal exchange with product is now strictly prohibited.
- This does mean the end to the “Answer My Riddle for a Free Pass” promotion many of our bridge franchises were using for marketing. Unfortunately, the risks have proven too high. In addition, upper management believes that “Guess what’s in my nose” is neither a true riddle, nor reflective of the professional demeanor we at Cabraphage wish to project.
- As always, if questions arise, remember that Policy #1 supersedes all: When in doubt, devour it.
ADDENDUM: A memorial service and luau for Mr. Onyxchunk will be held at the close of first shift on Friday. All staff is invited. In lieu of flowers, the family asked that you make a donation to the Society for the Promotion of Cruelty to Animals.
Back on Monday for a new roll of the story dice.